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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29155014">I won't let go 'til it bleeds</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/LumCheng/pseuds/Elaine'>Elaine (LumCheng)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Barebacking, Bottom He Tian, Complicated Relationships, Drama, Drawn To Each Other, F/M, First Time, Gay Sex, Hetero Sex, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, MGS cheating on his GF, Possibly OOC, Switching, Tattoos, Virgin He Tian, less angry Guanshan, slight dub-con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 09:48:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,573</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29155014</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/LumCheng/pseuds/Elaine</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He desperately tried to love her —<i>he really did</i>, she deserves nothing less— but he's not capable of doing so, can't even pretend to try anymore. He lost his heart in middle school and a certain someone forgot to hand it back. He has looked for it for God knows how long, thought that maybe, just maybe, it was merely misplaced.<br/>But in the end he had to face the harsh truth: It was gone. Lost forever. There's a He-Tian-shaped hole in his chest now and nothing can fill it back up. He has tried that as well. So many things... Yet no amount of alcohol, sex, drugs, cigarettes, love songs or broken promises is able to fill the void.<br/>—♦—<br/><i>He Tian is gone. Guanshan grows up without him. He learns how to play the guitar, gets himself a girlfriend and ends up writing a bunch of songs. But she's not his muse. And the songs are not about her...</i></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>He Tian/Mo Guanshan (19 Days), Mo Guanshan/girlfriend</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>108</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Her</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The moon is hidden by the clouds tonight.<br/>
A constant stream of cold air invades the room through the partially open window.<br/>
He sits on the edge of the small bed, naked, enjoying the cool breeze on his heated skin.<br/>
He takes a long drag from his cigarette, cheeks hollowing, before pulling it away from his mouth, inhaling deeply. His thumb lightly scratches the side of his face while he carefully holds the cigarette between index and middle finger.<br/>
He tilts his face upwards, opens his mouth - jaw moving - blows out the smoke in little rings that grow bigger while they float away before disappearing completely.</p><p>Behind him, Meiying is stirring, shifting around, her breathing finally back to normal. She always needs longer than him to come down.<br/>
Her arm is curling around his body, long fingers glide over his chest where the skin is still sticky from the sweat.<br/>
Another touch on his hip, the mouth follows soon, he knows this already, lips pressing between his shoulder blades, her small breasts flush against his back.<br/>
Guanshan closes his eyes for a moment, his free hand coming to lay on top of hers, squeezing gently before letting go again.</p><p>"Let me have a pull."</p><p>His upper body leans to the side, offers her the cigarette. The cheap metal bangles around her wrist give a faint jingling sound as she reaches out to take it and lies back down on her stomach, elbows digging into the wornout mattress as she props herself up to smoke.<br/>
Guanshan turns around, eyes wandering over her body in the darkness. He can only see the shape of her, the basic outline, shadows and more shadows. Though he doesn't need to see, he knows her well. Every curve and every valley, all her scars and birthmarks. He could draw a map with his eyes closed.</p><p>His fingertips touch the back of her knee. Meiying twitches slightly, puffs out smoke, the hint of a laugh escaping her throat.<br/>
Guanshan glides further up, along her thighs, inbetween, up and up, until he reaches the curves of her behind. His fingers slide between her cheeks where it's always warm and soft and welcoming, feeling the lingering wetness there, his semen still trickling out.<br/>
He leans down, plants a kiss onto her spine. She chuckles.</p><p>Later he lies next to her, on dirty sheets which don't even cover the whole mattress. They lie there, in their dried-up bodily fluids, a mess of tangled limbs and blankets.</p><p>Outside, the clouds give way to reveal a full moon.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>—♦—</p>
</div>The constant gently drumming of rain against the window proofs to be the perfect canvas for yet another new song.<br/>He feels unusually inspired today. Sheets of paper spread around him on the dirty carpet, pen in his mouth, guitar in his lap. The white letters already fading on the red paint, surface scratched and galled from exessive use over the past two years.<p>He has a small gig tonight. The opening of a new bar near the redlight district. He's just one of five artists given half an hour each. One of many, part of the pabulum, a background noise for people to get drunk to.<br/>
Guanshan has long stopped to fantasize about getting discovered. Catching the eye of a producer in some miraculous way, getting a record deal, becoming famous... his songs on the radio, being played far and wide, ultimately catching <i>his</i> attention - wherever he may be right now, whatever he might do these days.</p><p>Those are nothing more than bittersweet daydreams, wishful thinking, some nice movie in his head to fall asleep to.</p><p>He puts the pen aside, adjusting the position of the instrument in his lap.<br/>
He begins to play, the fingers of his left hand pressing down the strings, his right strumming with an old pick.<br/>
After a few chords he starts singing. He sings of black hair and gray eyes, he sings of waiting for something, of crossing the line, of delusions and wanting to go somewhere.</p><p>At some point Meiying returns home. He doesn't stop while she hangs her coat and peels out of her work uniform. She steps closer. He can smell the fat from the frying pan, he can smell onions and pickles, sweat and more grease, and the fading scent of her deodorant.<br/>
She stands before him in her underwear, smiles, removes the hair clip and her black strands cascade over her narrow shoulders.<br/>
He looks up while playing the last chords.</p><p>The following silence is not uncomfortable.</p><p>"You look hot."</p><p>"I need to shower."</p><p>"Yeah, you do."</p><p>"Ass."</p><p>They both laugh and she sits beside him for a moment. "That sounded really nice. New song?"</p><p>He nods. "Should I play it tonight?"</p><p>"Absolutely. You still want me to come?"</p><p>"Of course."</p><p>She leans over to kiss him and throws her arms around his neck. "Hmm... I love you."</p><p>Instead of an answer, he puts away the guitar and picks her up, her legs wrapping around his waist. He walks them to the bathroom while she giggles.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>—♦—</p>
</div>"How was last night?"<p>"Yeah, you know... the usual."</p><p>"So not good?"</p><p>"I didn't say that!"</p><p>Guanshan raises his arm when the waitress looks into their direction for a second. She nods and starts making her way over.<br/>
Zhengxi considers him for a moment and Guanshan raises an eyebrow.</p><p>"I don't know what you want me to say, man. It was nothing special, nobody came to shake my hand, okay. I was the second to last and all guests were drunk already, there was more yelling going on than listening."</p><p>The brunette sighs and puts down the menu card. "It's not like you make an actual effort to get yourself out there either..."</p><p>"True", Guanshan muses and side-eyes the waitress who's standing next to their booth now. "What matters though, is that envelope I got by the end of the night. Dinner's on me today."</p><p>"You guys ready to order?", she asks and impatiently taps her pen against the notepad in a fast-paced rhythm. "I can come back in a minute if you still need time to—"</p><p>"Coke", Guanshan interrupts her and glances at the menu one more time. "I take the double cheeseburger with fries. No ketchup!"</p><p>He looks up to meet Zhengxi's eyes. He can see the silent accusation in them. <i>'Be nicer to her'</i> is the message they convey. Guanshan rolls his eyes. He knows. He's like her, born to serve people, and so is Meiying. A big army of underpaid workers, faking a smile, trying to please strangers. Until they have a bad day and snap.<br/>
Wordlessly he gestures into his direction, prompting him to fucking finally place an order.<br/>
And so Zhengxi does, his voice is calm and friendly. He offers her smile which she doesn't return.<br/>
The girl picks up the menus and places them back into the holder by the window before she walks away.</p><p>They both lean back at the same time, stretching their legs, bumping into each other under the table.<br/>
Guanshan looks around the small diner, silently observes the other guests until Zhengxi nudges him with his knee.</p><p>"Hey, are you listening?"</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"I said, how are things with Meiying? I haven't seen her in a while. Qiaolian keeps asking about her."</p><p>Guanshan shrugs. "Good, yeah. Nothing out of the ordinary."</p><p>The other one frowns and crosses his arms in front of his chest. "Come on. Tell me what's going on. You're in such a mood today."</p><p>Guanshan rubs over his face in an angry manner, pinching the bridge of his nose. There is nothing going on. Aside from his usual doubts of course. But that is something he can't talk about with anybody. Sometimes not even with himself. Denial can be bliss.<br/>
Only lately he has a hard time ignoring certain things. But he should. He knows he needs to. It's been two years for fuck's sake. Time to move the fuck on!</p><p>Yet, Zhengxi reads him like an open book. He was always good at this shit. Reading people, reading situations, moods... anything really.</p><p>"You shouldn't be with her", he says quietly and Guanshan opens his mouth to tell him to mind his own damn business when the waitress returns and places two coasters in front of them before putting down their drinks.</p><p>"Your food will be ready soon."</p><p>"Thank you."</p><p>As soon as she's gone, Guanshan takes a big swig from his coke and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, then pointing his finger at Zhengxi.</p><p>He warns him: "Stay out of that", but his friend is not impressed. Or intimidated for that matter. Instead he goes on.</p><p>"Can you deny that you're just using her for her looks?"</p><p>"Excuse me?!"</p><p>Zhengxi gives him a look full of incomprehension. "Guanshan. She looks exactly like He Tian."</p><p>He gasps, acts exasperated even though he knows, deep down he knows - it's the truth.</p><p>"Alright, first of all, fuck you! Then, second of all, Meiying is a girl, okay? How can a chick look like a guy? I mean, her long hair and—"</p><p>"If He Tian would be a girl, he'd look like her. Has she seen a picture of him? She'd be surprised, thinking he must be her brother, seperated at birth."</p><p>"Bullshit", Guanshan mumbles and stares down at his drink, moving it around on the square coaster.<br/>
She <i>does</i> look like a female version of him. He always knew. It's what got him interested in the first place. There is no way in hell he'd ever admit that in front of anyone though.</p><p>Zhengxi unfolds his arms and leans foward on the table. "It's not fair towards her."</p><p>"Oh yeah?", Guanshan snaps. "You want me to point out how your controlling bitch of a girlfriend is the exact opposite of Jian Yi?!"</p><p>The other one's eyes widen in surprise, then narrow with disappointment. "Wow..."</p><p>Guanshan shakes his head. "Don't start with me, Zhan Zhengxi. If you live in a glass house, don't throw stones."</p><p>Zhengxi doesn't say anything after that.<br/>
And when the food comes, they eat in silence.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>—♦—</p>
</div>They're shouting.<br/>Words being tossed back and forth, meant to hurt, meant to leave marks on each other's souls. Something to remember even when this is long over.<br/>He wants to strangle her and claws at his own hair to feel something else. The physical pain a welcoming distraction from his conflicting emotions.<p>Guanshan knows what she wants. And he knows what he can't give her. More than a year of trying to mask the truth, trying to fake something that isn't there - it's slowly coming to an end. Unstoppable and undeniably inevitable. He has brought them to this point. Carefully trying to walk over the abyss, almost tripping, threatening to slide off the makeshift bridge. His steps are not as steady as they used to be. It's clearly not working anymore. There's the end of the log, he has to take the leap, can't go back.</p><p>Back then, he desperately tried to love her —<i>he really did</i>, she deserves nothing less— but he's not capable of doing so, can't even pretend to try anymore. He lost his heart in middle school and a certain someone forgot to hand it back. He has looked for it for God knows how long, thought that maybe, just maybe, it was merely misplaced.<br/>
But in the end he had to face the harsh truth: It was gone. Lost forever. There's a He-Tian-shaped hole in his chest now and nothing can fill it back up. He has tried that as well. So many things... Yet no amount of alcohol, sex, drugs, cigarettes, love songs or broken promises is able to fill the void.</p><p>Where there's no heart, there's no love.<br/>
She knows. She has known for a long time now. It was just hard to accept.</p><p>That night he fucks her on the cold, hard kitchen floor. Sand, ashes, dust and dirt, all sorts of nasty shit brought in from the outisde - it clings to their naked bodies, making him feel even more filthy than usual.<br/>
He can't go on like this, <i>they</i> can't go on like this. This thing - whatever they have - it has to stop. It needs to end. It must be cance—<br/>
...it can't—<br/>
...it—</p><p>He comes in a violent burst. Eyes squeezed shut so hard he can see colorful spots exploding all around him, her nails claw into the soft flesh of his upper arms, their moans echoing from the walls.</p><p>He's wheezing hard, trying to control his breathing. Her frail body is shaking underneath him, shuddering with post-orgasmic aftershocks.</p><p>It needs to end. Yet afterwards, they go on as if nothing had happened earlier.<br/>
Like always.<br/>
Living a lie, living in denial. It's easy this way, lazy and comfortable. The occasional outbursts - the price they're both willing to pay.</p><p> </p><p>
  <i>~tbc</i>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Him</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They're at her place again.<br/>
It's bigger and it has a seperate kitchen. Guanshan likes that.<br/>
They both have the day off and they spend it cooking together, playing video games, drinking beer and watching TV.<br/>
Mundane, mindless activities, utterly meaningless, just something to pass the time.</p><p>In the afternoon, they have an argument. Again. The third one this week and it's only Thursday.<br/>
She storms off in an angry manner, shouting and on the verge of tears, feet stomping so loud that the neighbors underneath bang against the ceiling in protest.<br/>
She locks herself in the bathroom and seconds later he can hear crying.<br/>
He lies down on her bed, a small, round glass ashtray resting on his stomach. He lights a cigarette and stares at the ceiling while his right leg dangles over the edge of the mattress.</p><p>He feels so exhausted. Tired of this. Tired of <i>them</i>.<br/>
Briefly he thinks about ending it. But what then? What would change?<br/>
Nothing much and that's the truth. She won't be there anymore, out of his life. But he'd work the same job, eat the same food, meet the same people, playing in shitty little pubs, writing songs and wasting time.<br/>
He wonders, briefly, if any of this would be different with He Tian by his side. Though he has no idea. Maybe. But probably not. Who could tell?</p><p>He starts daydreaming, succumbing to various what-if scenarios. He tries to stop himself - because what's the point in this really - but it's too alluring.<br/>
He imagines—</p><p>"I'm sorry."</p><p>Guanshan blinks. Exhales.<br/>
Slowly, his head turns to face Meiying, standing next to the bed. Her face is a little puffy and her eyes are still red from crying. He notices how her fingers nervously play with the hem of her loose tank top.<br/>
Without a word he shifts to the side to make room for her, extending his arm in an inviting gesture.<br/>
Her reaction is instant. As if she was just waiting for this to happen. She lies down next to him, head resting on his chest, listening to his heartbeat while he finishes another cigarette.</p><p>Later, when she takes the ashtray away, he knows what's about to happen next, what she has in mind.</p><p>Her kisses are sweet and light, innocent almost, no tongue - just lips, soft and pliable.<br/>
He responds hesitantly, not sure what to do with this newfound gentleness. It's not how they do things normally. Maybe it's time to try something new?<br/>
He tries.<br/>
...<br/>
He fails.</p><p>Her body starts slipping from the bed. He follows her onto the floor, creeping after her. Hungry like a big cat, desire making his pupils larger, shoulder blades shifting with every movement as he crawls over her on all fours.<br/>
Something sparks in her eyes and he doesn't know what it is. He has never seen that expression before.</p><p> </p><p>He's rougher than usual with her, rougher than he should be, his weight pressing her down on the scratchy carpet, legs spread - just enough for him to move in between.<br/>
There is something desperate about his thrusts, not too fast but hard and intense, leaving her skinny figure rocking and reeling, the skin on her front body turning red and irritated from the rough friction on the underground.<br/>
His left hand is clamped over her mouth, her groans muffled, breath coming out sharp through her nose.<br/>
His own breath is hot and loud behind her ear, making some wayward strands of hair move back and forth, his lips grazing the shell.</p><p>"Fuck", he whispers in between strained inhales, sweat covering his chest and back. "I'm— gonna—"</p><p>He fucks her even harder then, the sound of skin slapping on skin reverberates through the room. He's close... so close...<br/>
Yet she comes first. He feels the exact moment when her orgasm hits her - her insides clenching around his dick, twitching and sucking him in even deeper. It's tight and wet and choked noises pour out of her throat, not being able to use her mouth, like a bottle of fizz, shaken vigorously, cap closed, ready to burst.<br/>
His grip on her face starts to loosen, saliva coating his palm. She tries to catch her breath, the exhale hot and moist against his hand.<br/>
She wants to say something and he shuts her up again. He can't have her speak, it would ruin the illusion. His eyes are closed, jaw tight, gritting his teeth.<br/>
There it is—</p><p><i>'Little Mo.'</i><br/>
He Tian sits next to him, wearing only a white bathrobe with nothing underneath. His naked foot is on top of his thigh and he's fucking him with his eyes.<br/>
Guanshan is nervous, he panics, wants to flee...<br/>
That was then.<br/>
Now it's different. The memory distorted, manipulated. He's making a move, responding with confidence.</p><p>Images flash through his mind.<br/>
Him and He Tian in the bathtub, naked. Him and He Tian sharing a bed, naked. Him and He Tian on a dark beach at night. Him and He Tian floating through space, their naked bodies embracing while colorful nebulas and star clusters surround them.<br/>
His movements are stuttering, become uncoordinated, moans suddenly high pitched and oh-so-desperate. He doesn't care how he sounds, that his body hurts, knees chafed, his left arm cramping - the only thing that matters anymore is his release and the whole world narrows down to where their bodies are connected.</p><p>He comes, choking, his pulsating cock buried deep in her body, his movements come to a halt and he forgets how to breathe while his cum shoots into her, searing hot and almost clear.<br/>
His lungs start to protest and he has to fucking <i>breathe</i>.<br/>
His arms are trembling, heart racing, adrenaline rushing through his veins. He draws in a few ragged breaths, finally lifting himself off her, his softening cock sliding out with a wet noise.<br/>
She sighs.<br/>
He looks down, stares at the mess they created. Their fluids drip onto the carpet, creating a little puddle that will surely leave an ugly stain.</p><p>His fingertips run down her spine, a featherlight touch, contrasting everything that happened just moments ago. Beads of sweat roll down her back and it takes him a full minute to realize that those are, in fact, his tears.<br/>
Huh... how funny.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>—♦—</p>
</div>The days grow colder and Christmas approaches.<br/>And as the nights extend and sunlight makes itself scarce, Guanshan hears the news.<br/>Something unexpected that throws him completely out of track.<p>He Tian is back.</p><p>Actually, he has been back for an entire week. Zhengxi casually mentions it over dinner and Guanshan's whole body turns numb after that.<br/>
There's a ringing in his ears and he can't feel his legs anymore.</p><p>"Are you alright?", Zhengxi asks and the look he gives him shows worry and wariness.</p><p>Guanshan swallows dryly, staring down at his untouched plate of food.<br/>
There's a sesame seed clinging to the side of one of the pork dumplings. He didn't order anything with sesame.<br/>
Is he alright?<br/>
Certainly not. He hasn't been in a long time.</p><p>"How long?", he asks quietly, avoiding to look his friend in the eye.</p><p>Zhengxi suppresses a sigh and puts his chopsticks down before reaching for his drink. "How long have I known? A day after he came back, we bumped into each other at 7-Eleven and had a quick chat."</p><p>Guanshan bites his tongue. Nobody bumped into him to have a quick fucking chat.<br/>
Nobody sent him an SMS, a mail, anything... He Tian never attempted to contact him.</p><p>"Sorry, man", the other one mumbles and it sounds honest. "I thought he would've come to you first and you already knew."</p><p>Guanshan looks up, his frown deepening. "No! No, I mean...", his hand wipes over his mouth before disappearing under the table again. "He didn't try to... I had no idea... yeah..."</p><p>Zhengxi muffles a burp with his fist and points behind Guanshan where the door to the small restaurant is pushed open to let another customer inside. The bell above the entrance chimes and a gust of chilly winter air invades the room.</p><p>"Well, here's your chance to catch up", Zhengxi says and starts to get up. "I gotta run or I'll be late to my appointment."</p><p>Guanshan doesn't understand. He watches in confusion as his friend puts on his coat and gloves. He doesn't even think about turning around. "Appointment? What...?"</p><p>"Leaving so soon?"</p><p>Guanshan freezes.<br/>
Time stops for a short while and his heart skips a beat, an ice cold hand closing around it. It has been forever since he's heard that voice. Two years, four months and nine days to be precise. Yet he'd recognize it amongst a million other people.<br/>
When his heart resumes it's rhythm, it's faster than before, his breath coming in quick, shallow puffs and his stomach feels heavier than ever.</p><p>"Little Mo."</p><p><i>Fuck off! </i><br/>
He still doesn't turn around, eyes wide and body stiff as a board.</p><p>"Right", Zhengxi stands next to the table and looks awkward for a moment, then He Tian steps forward and out of the corner of his eye Guanshan can see how they pat each other on the back briefly.</p><p>"See you guys later, I guess."</p><p>Guanshan can't say anything. His throat is too tight, breathing is hard, swallowing is impossible, his scalp is itching.<br/>
Zhengxi leaves and He Tian wastes no time to slip into the booth across from Guanshan where he lets out a content sigh and starts unbuttoning his thick woolen coat. He takes off his black leather gloves and puts them on the side of the table, making himself at home.<br/>
Guanshan can only stare, watching the other one unwrapping the scarf from around his neck and folding it neatly before putting it next to the gloves.</p><p>He Tian interlaces his fingers loosely on the table surface after shoving Zhengxi's half-empty plate out of the way.<br/>
They look each other in the eye and after a while He Tian lets out a nervous chuckle.</p><p>"Come on, Little Mo. Are you not going to talk to me anymore?"</p><p>Guanshan considers him for a long moment.<br/>
Finally, he shifts in his seat, trying to avoid their legs touching.</p><p>"Why would I?", he says and is surprised by how neutral his own voice sounds. How well he's able to conceal his anger, the hurt, the longing.</p><p>"Because that's what friends usually do if they haven't seen each other for a long time. They talk. They catch up."</p><p>"You're not my friend", Guanshan replies easily. "Because a <i>friend</i> would've said that he moves away. A <i>friend</i> would've sent a message once in a while. A <i>friend</i> would've let me know the second they're back. You're not a friend, He Tian. You're a self-consumed asshole."</p><p>"Ouch", He Tian says, furrowing his brows. "But okay. I deserved that."</p><p>Guanshan waits. And then he waits some more. Though it doesn't seem like He Tian intends to answer any of his hinted questions, to give any sort of explanation. It infuriates him to no end.</p><p>"Okay", he says and starts to gather his things. "I think we're done here."</p><p>"Nonono, wait, wait!" Quickly He Tian gets up and leaps around the table, slides onto the bench right next to him, trapping him, preventing any means of escape.</p><p>Guanshan lets out an angry huff. "Move!", he snarls, scooting away from him, moving towards the window. "Let me out!"</p><p>He Tian turns slightly sideways, props one elbow against the backrest of the booth and the other on top of the table. "Come on, Guanshan", he breathes softly. "Please don't make a scene. Look, there are things I can't talk about but maybe I can try to answer some of your questions. Would that help?"</p><p>Guanshan opens his mouth and closes it again. He crosses his arms in front of his chest in a huffish manner. "Fine", he snaps. "But apologize first!"</p><p>He Tian blinks. "...what?"</p><p>Guanshan gapes. "Apologize", he repeats, sounding incredulous. "That's the least you can do, right? For treating your supposed <i>friend</i> like this?!"</p><p>He Tian lets his arms sink and carefully reaches for Guanshan's leg, one of his palms coming to lie on top of his thigh, warm and gentle. It surprises Guanshan, eases the scowl on his face.<br/>
He Tian licks over his dry lips before speaking up in a low voice.</p><p>"I'm sorry. I truly am, Guanshan. You have no idea how much I wanted to call you every day. How much I wanted to hear your voice on the phone or see your face. I wish it would've been possible for me to—"</p><p>He draws in a shaky breath and Guanshan's fingertips bite into the flesh of his ribs as he claws a little too hard into his shirt and the skin underneath.<br/>
He can't help it. Slowly but surely his anger dissipates until all that remains is the burning ache which makes him long for this man. It's not fair. It's not!<br/>
He looks at He Tian's fringe, eyes hidden behind it as his head is slightly tipped forward.<br/>
Suddenly he's overcome by a wave of nostalgia. He remembers the last time they've seen each other. That crazy, out-of-this-world evening that changed everything.</p><p>Both of them barely 16.<br/>
A hot day in late summer. The seabreeze, the ocean, miles upon miles of white sand and rocks. Seagulls cawing above their heads. So much laughter, so many happy faces. Getting carried away. Living in the moment, having fun.<br/>
Eventually - just them.<br/>
Water. The taste of salt. The sinking sun. Seashells. Blood. Scars. An endless starry sky doming the beach, their own private paradise, cut off from the rest of the world. Arriving at the end of all time, they are the last ones still alive.<br/>
Kisses. Sand on heated skin, sand in damp clothes. Curious hands, hungry lips and then—</p><p>He Tian looks up, the hint of a smile ghosting around his lips. "I've seen your performance though. Nice lyrics by the way..."</p><p>Guanshan lets out the breath he didn't realize he's been holding. He feels caught, embarrassment warming his cheeks, tinting them with soft red spots. He was adamant to forget that day, erase it from existence. Nothing good would come out of reliving those memories anyway. And yet...<br/>
He gasps and leans back in surprise, tries to process what He Tian just said.</p><p>"What?", he croaks. His thoughts are all over the place. "What- what performance?"</p><p>His mind is racing. The last time he had a gig was weeks ago but Zhengxi said He Tian is back since one week only.<br/>
Smile ever growing, He Tian shoves a hand in his pocket and digs out his phone. He quickly swipes around on the touchscreen, then slides the device over the table towards Guanshan.</p><p>"Here. It already has over 200.000 clicks on B Site. Pretty impressive."</p><p>Guanshan lowers his gaze and watches the video that has started to play.<br/>
It takes him a few seconds to realize what it is. The recording is dark, a bit shaky and very grainy, often out of focus. The club shown is only half full, the tiny stage barely illuminated by two red spotlights.<br/>
It's him. He's on that tiny stage, sitting on one of those uncomfortable bar stools, guitar in his lap, adjusting the height of the mic stand.<br/>
When he starts playing and singing, Guanshan closes his eyes and slides the phone back to He Tian.</p><p>"Turn it off", he mumbles, ears pink and hot with embarrassment. He's always found it awkward to listen to himself in recordings. His voice sounds different there than it does in his head.<br/>
He can barely remember that particular gig, it must've been several months ago.<br/>
Why on earth would so many people click on a low quality clip of him performing a generic love song?<br/>
He Tian casts the video one last look - is that fondness Guanshan can see in his gaze? - before closing the app and putting his phone aside.</p><p>"To be honest", he admits and smiles sheepishly, "half of those views might've been from me alone."</p><p>"You're impossible."</p><p>"I've missed you."</p><p>Guanshan wants to say something but decides against it.<br/>
Yeah. He has missed him, too. More than anything.<br/>
He feels the sudden urge to throw his arms around He Tian and hug him so tightly that he can feel his heartbeat against his own rib cage. He wants to touch him, feel the naked skin under his fingers, touch that silky-looking dark hair, wants to act out all those weirdly sexual scenarios he's made up in his mind so many times.<br/>
And he wants to punch him in the face. Destroy that stupid smile He Tian is wearing. Wants to let him know that he can't just come back and everything resumes right at the point where they've left off all those years ago. It doesn't work that way.<br/>
Stupid He Tian!<br/>
He finds himself wondering what the guy is expecting of him, of <i>them</i>. If he came here with any sort of hope for— what exactly?</p><p>Guanshan looks down at the small, empty space between them on the seat.<br/>
Why is He Tian's hand still on his thigh? Why doesn't he mind? And why does it feel so familiar and comforting?<br/>
It's actually quite simple - He Tian coming home feels precisely like this: homecoming.<br/>
Like returning to your friends and family after a long holiday. Hugs and laughter and showing pictures while catching up.<br/>
Guanshan wants to be angry at him because God knows - the fucker deserves it. But instead there is only one feeling left. Overwhelming relief. And he wants to hate how good it feels to be united again.<br/>
—but he can't. And after a while, he isn't even sure if he wants to anymore.</p><p> </p><p>They spend another hour just sitting there, reluctant chatter, stealing glances, accidentally-intentionally brushing against one another. Guanshan orders coffee for them and He Tian eats his cold dumplings.<br/>
Later, when they head out for a smoke, He Tian makes his intentions clear: "Zhengxi told me you have a girlfriend..."</p><p>Guanshan blows out smoke through his nose and flicks the ashes off his cigarette. The wind blows it onto his sneaker and he shakes his foot to get it off.</p><p>"Ahh. Yeah", he says, shifting his weight from one leg to the other. <i>Here we go.</i></p><p>"It's why I haven't contacted you until now." He Tian drops his cigarette, his black shiny designer shoe stepping onto the glowing amber, grinding it out with a quick twist of his ankle.</p><p>"What made you change your mind?"</p><p>"I saw you two yesterday. Just a coincidence."</p><p>Guanshan should feel shocked or at least embarrassed, yet he merely flips away the rest of his cigarette before shoving both his hands deep into the warm pockets of his parka.</p><p>"So you've seen her", he muses and watches the stub roll over the wet tarmac.</p><p>He looks up when He Tian's broad figure looms over him like a dark shadow. His eyes are gray and wild like a raging storm on the open sea. Want starts dwelling up inside of Guanshan and he swallows, waiting for He Tian's next move.</p><p>"I have every intention of winning you back."</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>—♦—</p>
</div>The pain is nearly unbearable. If he knew it'd be that bad - who knows, maybe he wouldn't have done it, though it's too late now. No turning back. His body is marked for all eternity.<p>He's lying on his bed, belly down, torso naked, jeans low on his hips, feet bare and freezing. Face pressed into the pillow to muffle his groans.<br/>
There's a large piece of foil covering his back -top to bottom- neatly taped at the edges, keeping out smoke and dust and bacteria and anything else that could interfere with the healing process.<br/>
The skin feels raw and irritated, overly sensitive, his entire back - an open wound. However there's no blood. Yet.</p><p>On the verge of exhaustion, he reaches for another cigarette, hissing and cursing when the stretch washes a fresh wave of pain over his body.<br/>
The tiredness is overwhelming, though he can't find any sleep. It took over half the day yesterday and afterwards he had dragged himself home. To his own shitty little apartment. More like a storage unit than anything else.<br/>
Meiying - gone to visit her parents over Christmas. He doesn't want to stay at her place when she's not there. It doesn't... it doesn't feel right.</p><p><i>You should come, too</i>, is what she'd said while packing her bags. And he had watched her, feigning contemplation, voice reluctant and apologetic. He had declined. Of course.<br/>
Obviously it had nothing to do with He Tian being back. Or so he had told himself.<br/>
That fucker had already sent him several messages today. He had even tried to call but Guanshan refuses to answer, doesn't trust his voice. He Tian would sense that something is up and he would be annoying and persistent and in the end Guanshan would give in and He Tian would come over and he can't have that right now.</p><p>He needs time to heal. Time to think this whole thing over.<br/>
So he lights the cigarette and takes a long drag, inhaling deeply. He searches for the ashtray on the floor and knocks over an empty bottle of whiskey.<br/>
He knows he shouldn't smoke. Or drink for that matter. Fuck that! It's the only thing that keeps him from tearing his own hair out while enduring this ordeal of a slow burn healing process.</p><p>"You hurt, you son of a bitch!", he snarls at the tattoo and smoke escapes his nostrils, slowly floating upwards, joining the thick fog looming under the ceiling.</p><p><i>Hang in there</i>, he keeps telling himself. <i>Hang in there! The worst is over, it can only get better from here on now.</i><br/>
But somehow he doubts his own reassurance.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>—♦—</p>
</div>He spends the next three days in his tiny shithole, drifting in and out of consciousness, smoking, drinking, letting his phone run out of battery, ignoring the building ache in his stomach that tries to let him know he went too long without food already.<p>He needs to take a piss and gets up, awkwardly shifting around, sliding his legs over the edge of the bed, waiting until they touch the ground before he uses his arms and hands to push himself into an upright position.<br/>
The air in this small space is used up and full of cigarette smoke. It stings in his eyes and bites at his throat, making it hard to breathe.<br/>
His muscles ache and his whole body protests as he makes his way to the small, cold bathroom. The hurt has spread from his back over his shoulders, to his arms, thighs... even his feet. No exercise, no heating, an uncomfortable sleeping position and a poor diet have taken its toll.</p><p>He winces when he can feel wetness on his back. He wants to take a look and then he doesn't. Too afraid of what he might see.<br/>
The tattoo artist - some acquaintance of a friend of a friend's cousin or some bullshit like that - had told him what to expect. Apparently <i>some</i> blood, body fluid and excess ink is normal. Yet it feels like there's an entire lake between his skin and the thin plastic.</p><p>He stands in front of the toilet and lifts the seat with his foot before pushing his jeans down.<br/>
When the hot stream hits the porcelain bowl, he looks up and tries to imagine what his back looks like right now.<br/>
Maybe it's like one of these liquid foil journal covers for kids. Just add a bit of glitter and some tiny toy fish, then start pushing the liquid around and marvel at the sparkles when the light hits them just right - bright and glistening, enough to make one squint their eyes.</p><p>The toilet flushes and Guanshan lingers between sink and shower cubicle.<br/>
He was told to leave the wrap well alone for about three days and then return for a rewrap. Fuss-free and low-maintenance since he has no one to tend to the fresh tattoo, no one to carefully rinse the skin and rub ointment over the ink three times a day.<br/>
So this had been his best option until Meiying returns.</p><p>He stares at his reflection in the cracked mirror and resists the urge to turn sideways. Instead, he steps into the shower and turns on the water, waiting until it gets lukewarm.<br/>
The spray hits his face, his chest.<br/>
He takes a deep breath and reaches over his shoulders, fingertips feeling around, searching for the edges of the tape, pulling - slowly - ripping it off the skin. Bit by bit.<br/>
Guanshan grits his teeth, reveling in the agony.</p><p>When he finally gets to the bottom area, a gush of blood thinned down by plasma floods over his ass and thighs. Red streaks mix with the water, exquisite marbles like silk painting, quickly washing down the drain.<br/>
He stands there for a long time, staring into nothingness, shivering when the water turns cold.</p><p> </p><p>Afterwards he gets dressed, finally putting on fresh clothes, a white loose shirt over the uncovered tattoo, and he puts his phone on charge, turning it back on.<br/>
Six missed calls and eleven new messages. Half of them are from He Tian, the rest from Meiying. There's also a message from his mom. It's Christmas Eve today. He totally forgot.</p><p>He texts his mom back, then rings Meiying to wish her a Merry Christmas and apologize for being offline.<br/>
The call drags on for half an hour and by the end of it Guanshan feels restless and annoyed. He makes up some bullshit excuse about being late to meet up with some friends and she buys it, ending the call at last.</p><p>Pacing between the bed and the door, he thinks about whether or not to answer He Tian, too.<br/>
It's a dangerous game he's playing and he knows it. Temptation is strong, baiting him with the juiciest, reddest, most delicious smelling apple he could ever imagine - while at the same time there's a green-eyed snake hiding behind his back, waiting for the perfect moment to strike should he give in.</p><p>He tries to resist, tries to distract himself by playing some guitar and opening another bottle of liquor, listening to music, watching porn, masturbating <i> (ah... He Tian... ahh hah...)</i>, ordering food, clumsily flirting with the delivery guy, feeling silly afterwards, sitting on his bed and staring into the void as the food gets cold... but in the end he has to accept that this is a lost cause already. He's fighting a lost battle, tilting at windmills.<br/>
And so he gives in, reaching for the apple, awaiting Eden's bite, welcoming the poison that's about to run through his veins. Corrupting him, turning him into a sort of person he never wanted to become. Still.</p><p>He needs to see him.</p><p> </p><p>He Tian is more than delighted to meet up. He doesn't even try to hide his excitement when they meet in front of the tram station.<br/>
His enthusiasm is ridiculous and Guanshan doesn't know if he should find it funny or annoying. Though seeing all those people around them with snacks and fast food lets him forget He Tian's mood rather quickly.<br/>
He hasn't eaten properly in days and the emptiness in his stomach is the real ridiculousness.<br/>
They stop at the nearest burger place and Guanshan hungrily devours two bacon cheeseburgers before washing them down with some lemonade.<br/>
He Tian watches him eat without ordering something for himself.</p><p>"What have you been up to these last few days?", he asks, trying to sound casual. "Must've been quite consuming if you didn't even have time to answer my messages... or eat. To be honest I started to worry."</p><p>"Yeah?" Guanshan burps and lightly pats his chest, setting down the drink. "I was busy..."</p><p>"I see."</p><p>They remain silent after that.<br/>
Guanshan starts shifting in his seat uncomfortably. Only now he realizes that he agreed to meet He Tian without really knowing what they would do.<br/>
They had met up a few times after their reunion two weeks ago but there had always been a reason.<br/>
Not this time though.<br/>
Of course there are things he has in mind but... no, there's absolutely no way!</p><p>"So...", He Tian says slowly, folding his hands in front of his face. "How are things with, you know... <i>her</i> ?"</p><p>Guanshan looks up. He shakes his head. "Don't do that."</p><p>"What am I doing?"</p><p>He gives He Tian a meaningful look before lowering his gaze and playing with the label of the bottle. "You're trying to put pressure on me. Don't be fooled into thinking I won't pick up on this sort of bullshit."</p><p>"I'm not trying to do anything weird. I'm just curious", He Tian says from behind his hands. His expression is unreadable. "Honestly."</p><p>Guanshan sighs and leans back in his seat before vaguely gesturing around. "Well, she's not here."</p><p>He pauses, then continues in a lower voice. "She's visiting her parents over the holidays."</p><p>"When will she be back?"</p><p>"Is this an interrogation?"</p><p>He Tian lets his hands sink down on the table, revealing a smirk. "Just curious."</p><p>Guanshan lets out a long exhale and shoves the empty bottle away with a little too much force. He Tian quickly catches it before it can slide off the table and shatter on the ground.</p><p>"New Year's Eve."</p><p>"Great", he replies, carefully setting the glass bottle aside. "That gives us an entire week."</p><p>"To do what?!"</p><p> </p><p>Half an hour later they're at He Tian's place.<br/>
It's the same apartment Guanshan already knows from their middle school days, however He Tian tells him that the place now belongs to him.<br/>
There are more furniture and personal belongings than there used to be in the past and the giant main room doesn't look so empty anymore.</p><p>After kicking his shoes off, Guanshan heads straight for the large window front. The view is as remarkable as ever. Just as he remembers it.<br/>
Sun has already set and the city gradually slips into its busy nightlife, thousands of lights illuminating different windows and street corners. Each of these lights represents at least one life.<br/>
For some reason it always makes him feel conflicted watching the cityscape at night. In one way, it fills him with a type of loneliness which is hard to shake off. On the other hand, it also gives him a sense of peace observing the city this way.</p><p>"You want a drink?"</p><p>"Hm? Oh... nah, maybe later."</p><p>He Tian approaches him silently.<br/>
Guanshan shoots him a quick glance when he stands next to him. He shifts his weight from one leg to the other. His back is killing him. The shirt under his denim jacket feels rough.</p><p>"Are you alright?", He Tian asks and turns to face him, dark eyes scanning him from head to toe. "Your posture seems weird."</p><p>"Yeah", he answers quickly. "Yeah, it's nothing. I'm just tired, I guess. Didn't catch proper sleep in days, that's all."</p><p>He Tian frowns. "Then why did you agree to meet? You could've gone to sleep instead."</p><p>Guanshan waves dismissively. "Yeah, no. I tried but it's no use. If I'm here getting no sleep or at home not getting any, makes no odds."</p><p>He Tian seems to think for a moment, then he reaches out, almost touching Guanshan's back, but Guanshan hastily takes a step forward, the hand grasping at nothing.<br/>
He Tian stills, cocking his head, eyes narrowing.<br/>
Guanshan swallows hard.</p><p>"C-can I use your shower?"</p><p>There's a long pause.</p><p>"Sure."</p><p>Guanshan dashes past him but gets held back when He Tian manages to catch his wrist.</p><p>"Hey! Let go."</p><p>"What just happened? Are you sure you're alright?"</p><p>He wants to tell him that of course everything is fucking peachy but then he thinks better of it. Logically thinking, He Tian will find out anyway, sooner or later. So why try to hide it? He might as well just tell him and get it over with.<br/>
As Guanshan visibly relaxes, He Tian releases his grip. He waits.</p><p>"I got a tattoo", Guanshan says bluntly. No need to beat around the bush and add some long winded preamble.</p><p>He Tian seems to process that information for a few seconds. Then: "You got a tattoo?"</p><p>"That's what I said, idiot."</p><p>"Why would you want that?"</p><p>"I just... look, it was rather spontaneous, okay. But last time I checked, I didn't need anyone's permission, alright? So yeah, I got a tattoo. Get over it!"</p><p>Crossing his arms in front of his chest, He Tian looks him in the eye. "How did you even find an artist?"</p><p>Guanshan lifts his right arm to rub the back of his neck. The movement hurts his back. "Well, I know someone who knows someone else and that guy's sister has a friend, who's cousin has another friend, yadda yadda, you know how these things go."</p><p>"Okay", He Tian says, voice suddenly a lot softer, and he comes one step closer. "Can I see?"</p><p>The silence stretches for a long time and neither of them says a word until Guanshan finally starts moving, awkwardly wriggling out of the blue denim jacket. He casts it aside and reaches for the hem of his white shirt.<br/>
When he wants to pull it up - he can't. It's stuck to the skin and he's hissing in pain as he tries to rip it off.</p><p>"Stop!" He Tian grabs his upper arm, preventing Guanshan from doing any more harm to himself. "Come."</p><p>He leads him to the bathroom, turns on the shower and plays with the temperature until he's satisfied.<br/>
Guanshan stands by the sink and looks at himself in the mirror. Damn, he looks tired. There are dark rings under his eyes and his face appears slimmer somehow, dry lips and pale skin.<br/>
Suddenly He Tian stands close behind him, staring at both of them through the reflecting glass.<br/>
There's a wet hand around his left wrist and another at his right hip.</p><p>"Come", he says again and gently pushes him towards the shower.</p><p>They stand under the lukewarm spray, both fully clothed, and He Tian turns him around, keeps his hands above Guanshan's shoulders to make sure the water doesn't hit his back too hard.<br/>
They wait until the shirt is fully soaked before He Tian starts to peel it off carefully.<br/>
Bit by bit the tattoo reveals itself before his eyes until finally Guanshan lifts his arms so He Tian can take it off. It makes a wet sound as it hits the floor tiles and He Tian's hands are on his hips, thumbs slowly stroking up the sides, avoiding the ink, only touching where it's safe.</p><p>A warm mouth comes down on the back of his neck, directly on the last protruding bone from his spine, between the nine tails of the fox which spread all over the top half of his back. He Tian's wet fringe grazes the dip of his neck and Guanshan's forehead leans against the cold tiles, eyes closed, slow exhale.<br/>
The sound of water is calming, the touch hot yet reassuring. The gentleness makes him sleepy.</p><p>"This must've hurt", He Tian says after a while and Guanshan opens his eyes, turning around in a lazy fashion, movements slow and sluggish.</p><p>"How would you know", he mumbles as a reply and can't help but stare at the defined chest under that black shirt -tight and wet- clinging to He Tian's skin.</p><p>Without another word, He Tian steps back and drags the t-shirt over his head in one fluid motion. He turns around and Guanshan understands. His arm reaches out and he doesn't even try to stop himself, his fingertips coming into contact with black lines on fair skin.<br/>
Tentatively he traces some of the outlines of the big tiger which stretches over He Tian's entire back, surrounded by flames and scrolls.</p><p>"When?", he quietly asks and lets his hand sink when He Tian turns back to face him.</p><p>"About four months ago."</p><p>Guanshan licks water from his upper lip and He Tian follows the small movement with his eyes, stepping closer, leaving no room between them.<br/>
His forearms lean against the tiles on either side of Guanshan's head, caging him in.<br/>
He's so close that Guanshan has to tilt his face upwards to be able to look at him.</p><p>"I want to kiss you again."</p><p>It's just a whisper, sound almost drowned out by the water, lips barely moving, a ghost of warm breath against his nose.<br/>
The water is cascading over their heads, down their naked upper bodies, soaking their pants, and Guanshan's heart is hammering so fast in his chest that it hurts.</p><p>"Well?", he whispers back hoarsely. "Are you waiting for an invitation?"</p><p>He Tian sighs, leans their foreheads together, closing his eyes.</p><p>"You have no idea how lonely I've been..."</p><p> </p><p>Later he's lying on He Tian's large, comfortable bed.<br/>
It's Christmas Eve and he's lying there naked, letting He Tian rub antibacterial ointment onto his <i>Huli jing</i>. It has a numbing effect which kicks in immediately and he moans in relief, pressing his face deeper into the soft pillow.<br/>
Large hands are kneading his ass cheeks, going lower, lightly massaging the back of his thighs and Guanshan humms contentedly. The touch is soothing and arousing at the same time but he feels too tired to do anything other than trying to sleep.</p><p>He Tian covers his lower body with a warm blanket, leaving the back so the skin can breathe.<br/>
The temperature in the room is just right, not freezing cold like at home.<br/>
He feels comfortable here. Safe and at ease.<br/>
He Tian lies down next to him, naked as well. He slips under the covers, rolling onto his right side.<br/>
Slowly Guanshan turns his head and cracks one eye open to look at him.<br/>
He Tian smiles.</p><p>"Let me take care of—", deep breath, "your tattoo. Just until... until she comes back. Okay?"</p><p>Guanshan thinks about it. But it's just pretend. Actually he doesn't need to consider this. He's made up his mind the second he set foot into this apartment.<br/>
This is too tempting, feels too good, sets his heart on fire and makes his stomach do backflips. He feels like a silly teenager again who experiences his first crush.</p><p>"Okay", he replies quietly, voice drowsy with sleepiness. "Just until New Year's Eve."</p><p> </p><p>
  <i>tbc~</i>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading if you made it until the end ^^;<br/>I know this isn't for everyone, so I'm all the more greatful to those who share my liking for themes and stories like these :D</p><p>PS: One more chapter to go... Do you prefer He Tian as top or bottom?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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